I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
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