i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
