Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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