For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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