shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
