your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
