I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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