I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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