just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize