On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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