My cat gives me a boner
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
the raccoons are back...
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