how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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