I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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