please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
