Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
