As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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