I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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