It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
