Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
