Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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