Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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