I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
