Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
