also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
