You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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