my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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