Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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