I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize