And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
