Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
