pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
