he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
