he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
