So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
