i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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