So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
