If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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