I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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