I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
