Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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