Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
