Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize