I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
