The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
