Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize