dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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