Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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