Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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