When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
