Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
