Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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