i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
