Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We're too hungover to prance.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
