the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I would fuck him just for his dog
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
