my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
