last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
