through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
