i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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