Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
