sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
