watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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