Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
