I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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