Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
